Living Together: Do Men and Women Perceive It Differently?

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of unmarried couples who live together has increased tenfold since 1960. But despite this growing number, evidence continues to suggest that cohabitating before marriage increases a couple's risk for divorce. Why? Studies done by Pamela Smock, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Michigan, reveal that there might be a fundamental difference in the way men and women perceive cohabitation: Women tend to view it as a step before marriage to that partner, whereas men tend to see living together as something they do before making any commitment. Are men really less committed than we think? And how much might that affect the strength of the future marriage? We asked the Love Council to weigh in.

Dan Cronin

Uncle Caveman handed down quite a bit to us modern men, but we're not above committing. We move in with our girlfriends, we get married and sometimes, in our most committed of moments, you can even catch us watching Food Network with our wives.

But I've always been a bit suspect of exactly how committed couples really are when they move in together before getting married. Sure, marriage isn't the goal for everyone, and that's fine, but for those who do plan on co-registering at Crate & Barrel someday, moving in together long before that happens clouds the issue. It's true that sometimes moving in together before marriage is like saying, "Hey, let's start our long future now, and work out the small details of living together along the way." That's great. And it's practical. But in other instances it's simply like saying, "Wanna split rent?"

My wife and I never lived together. I think we knew we were going to get married from about the point when our relationship began to get serious. We also knew that in order for our marriage to be special, it had to start off special. It can't just be the two of you, roommates and lovers, standing in the frozen food section of the grocery store, when one of you asks, "Hey, want to get hitched?" I think, when marriages begin that way, these couples have to wonder: "What's the point?" And you know what? I bet, in some of those cases, there isn't a point. For my wife and me, we were separate, then ‑- BOOM! ‑- together. And I think that sudden change helps us appreciate being together, even today. Our decision to commit to one another was special; it bound us to each other for the long haul.

After our honeymoon, I carried my wife over the threshold: into our new lives and our new roles. For the first eight months or so, we'd find ourselves sitting on the couch in our pajamas thinking, "I can't believe you don't have to catch a cab home now." It's still pretty fun living together. And yes, it still feels pretty special.

Cathi Hanauer & Daniel Jones

Cathi: Though Dan and I didn't live together before we got married, I did live with my college boyfriend ‑- a great guy whom I loved ‑- because neither of us could afford to live alone in New York. But I never intended to get married at 21. So we broke up a year later, when the relationship probably would've ended anyway. Though it was hard going our separate ways, we had a good time while it lasted.

Dan: I, on the other hand, never lived with a woman before I got married. And, in fact, Cathi and I didn't even live together for the first six months of our marriage! So I feel uniquely unqualified to discuss living together. But what I do know about is marriage. And it seems to me that the most important aspect of marriage, for both good and bad, is that it makes breaking up more complicated ‑- or at least more emotionally fraught.

Cathi: I'm also guessing that couples who cohabitate before marriage are perhaps more casual about sex, marriage and their relationship to begin with, which in turn might make them more casual about divorce.

And I wonder if couples who live together before marriage enter into cohabitation more casually than they would marriage, without really asking themselves ‑- and each other ‑- if they really want to be together for the rest of their lives. If that's so, then it would also make sense that they'd proceed to marriage more lackadaisically. Then it's not until after they're married that they find themselves dealing with the real issues and asking the important questions.

Dan: See, I feel like the greatest risk of living together before marriage is that you'll break up over things you wouldn't have broken up over if you'd been married. Let's face it, there's not much of a stigma (or financial cost) in simply breaking up. Living together can be as stressful as it is joyful, and sometimes you need more of a reason to stick it out through the tough times than just a shared lease and shared utilities. In my opinion, the odds are likely that people who choose to get married after they live together carry some of that mentality into their marriage.

And I don't know if it does much good to generalize about men being less committed or women always being on the path to marriage. I know plenty of women who get just as claustrophobic in relationships as men (including my loving and committed wife).

Cathi: Agreed. I don't think any of these scenarios we've discussed implies a lack of commitment on the part of men. When I recall the couples I know who lived together in their twenties, in very few of them did the relationship end because the guy wanted out.

At any rate, I think the best way to avoid the problem of moving in together with completely different expectations from your partner is to discuss, up front, both the arrangement itself and what you expect it to lead to. If you're not in synch, that might be a reason to reconsider living together ‑- rent savings notwithstanding.

Dr. Sarah Stedman

Lifestyle choices like cohabitation are always dependent upon the individuals and are to be respected. Many couples live together successfully and then go on to commit themselves to each other as husband and wife, but whether a couple lives together or apart before marriage, what's most important in a relationship is the presence of a spiritual commitment. Marriage changes everything, and the rationale that couples who live together compatibly before marriage can do so after marriage fails to acknowledge that fact. The lifetime commitment adds dimensions that are uncharacteristic of a couple who is unmarried and lives together. Cohabitating couples are bound by an agreement that is a lot like a rental contract (as opposed to married couples, who are bound by a contract that can be likened to owning serious property together).

In my work as a celebrant, I find that gender-associated attitudes explaining the "whys" of living together are superficial; the bottom line is that each person must be interested in caring for the other's feelings above all else. To me, these are the couples who are most concerned with building compatibility.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Since this study is about people who got married and then divorced, I don't think it reveals very much one way or the other about the commitment level of men who cohabit. Certainly for those men who went on to get married, it was a first step for them as much as it was for the women.

My theory for the different divorce rates between the two sets of couples who marry ‑- those who cohabit first and those who don't ‑- is based on what I believe are their attitudes toward the institution of marriage. Many of those couples who get married without cohabiting share a set of moral values that makes them believe that cohabitation is wrong. I would guess that those same couples are more likely to stay married because they put more weight on the words "till death do us part." Their wedding day means a lot more to them than it does to couples who have lived together for a number of years. It's a much bigger rite of passage, as it means that not only are they getting married, but for the first time they will spend every day (and night) together, and for some it even means that they will be having sex for the first time. I believe such couples are more likely to stay married, even if problems arise down the line. The marriage bonds between two people who have cohabited are not as strong. They didn't feel the need to get married before having sex or before living together, so if something goes wrong with the relationship, they don't feel the same constraints to stay together.

*taken from http://love.ivillage.com/snd/sndcouplehood/0,,LC_83prphng,00.html*