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You've just split with someone you loved dearly, and you're devastated. But as impossible as it may seem, you'll get over him. How do I know? Because I've been there. Everyone I know has been there. And I'd bet money that you could fit all the people who haven't been there into one small room. You loved, you lost—but at least you loved. We all came out the other side, and so will you. Clear the tears long enough to stop the page blurring and I'll tell you how it's done.
Getting through the next 30 seconds seems impossible when your boyfriend just broke up with you. But you really will survive this breakup. Honest. How?
Follow my week-by-week breakup survival guide:
Surviving a Breakup: Week One
The minute the breakup happens call your closest friends immediately and ask them to come over. While they're on the way, call another friend or your family and don't get off the phone until the doorbell rings. Then (and only then) are you allowed to lose it completely. Cry as much as you can, shout, snort, sob —do whatever it takes to let out as much emotion as possible. Then talk. Go through the whole thing from start to finish and keep going until you can't analyze it any further (or until your friends fall asleep).
If they can't stay with you, go back to their house. Do whatever it takes (well, within reason) not to be alone on that first night. You'll cry yourself to sleep, but brace yourself: Waking up the next day is the worst moment of all.
The next day reality kicks in, and it hits with full force. Your aim today is simply to survive it because " He's gone, I'm alone" will run in a continuous loop in your head. Again, surround yourself with people who care. True friends will let you tag along wherever they go. Take them up on it. If they're visiting their granny in an old people's home, go with them. Heck, follow them to the loo if they take too long. The other reason why you need to be around friends is this: The urge to call him, see him, e-mail him, text him will be almost overwhelming. Don't do it. If there was hope of reconciliation, the person who ended the relationship will be the one to make contact. Not to put too fine a point on it, but that's not you.
Surviving a Breakup: Week Two
Pick up the phone and don't hang it up until you've booked something for every possible second of the next two weekends and weeknights. Come clean and tell people you've split up, even if you do play it cool and insist you don't care. If you don't want to talk about it, say so. People won't want to upset you—and they will want to spoil you. Let them.
You're not going to like what I'm going to suggest now, but it's a crucial step: I want you to gather up all the couple-y stuff you collected throughout your relationship. The cards, the CDs, DVDs, letters, his old toothbrush, photographs—anything and everything. Put it all in a trash bag and shove it in a cupboard out of sight. Put his e-mails into a special folder and don't open it. Delete his old text messages. Stop going online to see if he's online. Don't go to any events where you might run into him. Don't go to places that remind you of him. In other words, avoid anything that makes you think of your ex and any contact with him. Why? Because you really are kidding yourself if you think lying around listening to "your song" and re-reading old love letters is going to help you heal or magically get him back. It won't.
In fact, if there's honestly any hope of reconciliation, seeing you get on with your life is far more likely to make it happen. It's been proven over and over: Act like you don't need him (even if you do) and he may well realize he wants you, too. If he comes over to beg forgiveness and notices his picture's been removed, you'll win respect, not disapproval. The quicker you accept he's gone for good—even if he isn't—the quicker you'll get over him and the more likely it is he'll want to return. It's a win-win situation. The reverse is also true: Hassle him with phone calls, texts, follow him around with puppy-dog eyes and he'll thank the Lord he got out when he did.
Surviving a Breakup: Week Three
Do some spring cleaning, both physical and emotional—first up, your flat. Unless you've just this minute finished the redecorating and that's what caused the split (am only half kidding here—renovating is stressful), consider sprucing up your home, even if it's just to change the bedspread and add a jaunty colored vase. Any (positive) change at this point is good.
Your emotional spring cleaning involves making two lists. The best strategy to accept that someone is gone is to collect as much evidence as possible to prove that you're a wonderful person who deserves better—and that he isn't as fabulous as you thought. It sounds terrible, but it's also realistic. After all, if he's that perfect for you, he wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place!
List one: Ask a good friend to help you write down everything great about yourself, all your successes and achievements both big and small.
List two: Find your ex's flaws. It doesn't matter how much you did or do love him, no one is perfect (not even him). Write down every single fault and weakness you can think of. Stick both lists on your bathroom mirror so you look at them daily. While you're at it, look at yourself in the mirror every morning and evening and say out loud to yourself, "It's over. He's not coming back. I will survive." Keep doing this until you can look yourself right in the eye, speak confidently and believe it.
Surviving a Breakup: Week Four
A shred of self-respect should be resurfacing by now, so it's time to cut the umbilical cord. Ask mutual friends to stop reporting back every piece of gossip about your ex. Don't spend your life trying to find out about his. Beware of friends who encourage you to believe your ex will 'come back: They're trying to make you feel better, but they aren't doing you any favors. Don't believe it unless the words come directly out of your ex's mouth.
Now's a good time to start diagnosing the break-up properly. If you have any good friends whose judgment you trust implicitly, ask them to give input. Was it just bad timing and incompatibility, or are you constantly falling for people who are bad for you? Do you grab onto anyone because you're scared of being on your own? Encourage your friends to be brutally honest and take whatever they say on the chin: If they know you well, there's at least a grain of truth to their theories. If you have a history of bad relationships, consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions. Feel especially tempted to call your ex after all this analysis? Don't! If you really must pour out all your intimate revelations—and are they really any of their business?—write a letter. But wait two weeks before posting it: Chances are, you'll decide he doesn't need to know after all.
Surviving a Breakup: One Month Later
At this point, a certain amount of logic should be in effect. Even if he came back, could you trust him not to leave you again? Even if you did call and beg for another chance, wouldn't you always wonder if he only accepted because he felt sorry for you? Your brain's exhausted from diagnosing and dissecting the break-up and, quite frankly, you're a bit sick of thinking about it. You stop taking all the blame for the split and realize it's rarely, if ever, one person's fault. Your friends stop worrying you're about to jump off a bridge and call less. Their eyes start to glaze over when you mention your ex's name. You're forced to spend nights alone, and you feel okay about it. Not great, just okay. You still feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and still wonder (for the 600th time) what your ex is doing at that moment, but it should no longer be the focus of your existence. (If it is, again, get yourself along to see a therapist.) Life goes on.
One final piece of advice at this point: Don't rush to fill the cold spot in your bed. Give yourself time to grieve and heal and sort through all the baggage. The right time to start a fresh, new, serious relationship is when you honestly believe you understand what went wrong the last time and—even more importantly—feel confident of your judgment to pick someone who really will be a happy, healthy choice. Even then, go slowly and keep both eyes wide open—not just to protect yourself, but to savor the new love in your life. Because if there's one advantage to breaking up, it's this: You get to go through that delicious falling-in-love stage, all over again!
Don't miss out on any fun!
by: Tracey Cox
*taken from http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnsbreakingup*
